The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
