just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
