there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
