By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
