U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
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