So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
