I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Randomize
