I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
