at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
