I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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