she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize