The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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