i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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