I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
