Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
There's always time for handjobs
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
