Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
