You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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