Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
