a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
