apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
