i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
My butt remains clenched, sir.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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