tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
