After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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