I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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