CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
