he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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