I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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