mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
