and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
