I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I love you.
Bad choice
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
