If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
How naked do you want me to be?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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