All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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