party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
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