My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
lets start a swedish sibling band together
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize