Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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