I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
