Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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