Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
