My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
