I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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