Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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