I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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