It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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