just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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