My liver just broke up with me...
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
