Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
