if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
