So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize