all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
