We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
