We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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