If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
