Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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