you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
