It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
