Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
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