...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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