Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
