i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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