So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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