If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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