I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
