i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
