So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
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