I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize