My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
