I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
