There was a lot of him and a little penis
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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