and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
