i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
