my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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