You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
