I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
