Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
